Spec Script by Gaetano LaMotta
For fans of the Drew Carey Show...This script was submitted in 1998
Many changes have since taken place on the show that post-date this script.
The Drew Carey Show
"Drew Seinfeld or...The Buzz Cake"
COLD OPEN
COMEDY CLUB BIT
FADE IN:
INT. COMEDY CLUB - EVENING (DAY 1)
(DREW, KATE, LEWIS, OSWALD)
(DREW IS IN A SMALL, INTIMATE COMEDY CLUB. HE IS DRESSED AND MADE UP AS
JERRY SEINFELD)
SFX: SEINFELD STYLE MUSIC
DREW
I'm driving around the country
this summer and I stop in Vegas.
So...what is the deal with this
Siegfried and Roy? First they
live together, then they don't.
But they still work together. I
think these guys are just
confused, to say the least...not
that there's anything wrong with
that. (LOOKING INTO CAMERA) Hey,
I can't do this, I mean listen,
this looked really cute on paper
but for one thing I haven't had a
thirty-one inch waist since ninth
grade...and they... (POINTING OFF
CAMERA, WHICH SWINGS TO REVEAL
LEWIS, OSWALD, AND KATE DRESSED
AS KRAMER, GEORGE, AND ELAINE,
RESPECTIVELY) look even more
ridiculous than I do!
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. DREW'S KITCHEN - DAY
(Drew,Kate,Lewis,Oswald)
(DREW IS DRESSED SEINFELDIAN. HE IS HOLDING A BOWL OF CEREAL)
DREW
Boy, that was a nightmare! (HE
TAKES A BITE OF CEREAL)
OSWALD
It's no nightmare, my friend,
it's reality. Stark reality! Oh,
ho, it's scary, but it's real
alright.
DREW
But this can't be. It just feels
too wierd.
(KATE ENTERS THROUGH LIVING ROOM)
KATE
Well, boys...Peterman laid off
the entire staff and I'm goin'
back to work for Mr. Pitt. DREW
Now cut that out! There's no
Peterman, no Mr. Pitt (BEAT) and
what the Hell did you do to your
hair?
CUT TO:
INT. DREW'S KITCHEN DOOR - CONTINUOUS
LEWIS COMES IN KRAMER STYLE,SPINNING TO FACE DOOR
LEWIS
Hoochie mama! Where is everybody?
HE TURNS TO THE GROUP
LEWIS (CONT'D)
Oh, hey. Jer,uh, Drew, have you
seen my nine iron? Yeah,
I think I left it over here.
DREW
O.K. I'll play your silly little
game. And no, I haven't seen your
nine iron, your ten iron and God
knows I never wanna see your
putter.
KATE
Kra...Lewis, you saw me not an
hour ago at the coffee shop, tell
Drew who I was with.
LEWIS
Peterman?
KATE
Nooooo.
LEWIS
Puddy?
KATE
Lewis!
LEWIS
O.K. Mr. Pitt, why?
OSWALD
Ya see?! This is it! This is the
reality, Drew. It's like that
movie with Kevin McCarthy. I
think there were pods involved.
First they quit, then they subtly
invade our bodies, next thing ya
know, Badda bing! They're outta
jail, takin' us over and we all
end up doin' guest bits on the
New Love Boat.
KATE
The New Love Boat? (SHE PUSHES
LEWIS BACKWARDS) Get out!
LEWIS
Oh, hey, I like that Robert
Urich. Yeah, that T-Bird
convertible, the drive-in living
room. (PAUSE) How'd he wind up on
a boat, anyway?
DREW WALKS INTO LIVING ROOM, ALL FOLLOW
DREW
Now wait a minute. I know. This
all started when I laid down here
on the couch. I ate too much
of that cake I love so much.
That cake. What the heck kind of...
(KATE, OSWALD, AND LEWIS ARE NOW EACH HOLDING A LARGE DRAKES-CAKE)
KATE
Have some Drakes cake, Drew?
OSWALD
Yeah, Drew. You can't fight it, now. It's
bigger than all of us. Much bigger!
LEWIS
Oh, yeah, buddy. Drakes cakes. This is the
stuff right here.
DREW
No, I won't eat it! I've had too much
already.
LEWIS
Ah, tut, tut, tut! You have to eat it Drew,
it's not up to us anymore. You have to.
CUT TO:
CU:DREW LAYING ON HIS COUCH
DREW
I won't eat it! You can't make me
eat the cake.
CUT TO:
OPENING CREDITS
TO BLACK:
FADE IN:
ACT ONE
SCENE A
INT. DREW'S LIVING ROOM-CONTINUOUS
ALL IS NOW NORMAL
DREW
I won't eat cake. I won't. You can't make
me eat cake.
KATE
Drew, wake up. You're having a nightmare.
LEWIS
Apparently about Marie Antoinette.
OSWALD
I thought she made pies.
LEWIS
That's Marie Calendar.
KATE
Drew, wake up.
DREW
Wha...woah. Did I have the doozy of all
nightmares.
KATE
It must have been. Oh, Drew, look. You've
got cake all over your shirt.
DREW
Yeah, that's it. The cake. I was eating
this cake and saw this in the paper.
LEWIS-TAKING PAPER
What? A sale on rump roast?
DREW-GRABBING PAPER BACK
No, look at this. There's a bakeoff contest
open to anybody with an original cake
recipe and there's a $100,000 prize.
KATE
Drew, you don't know anything about baking.
OSWALD
Yeah, but he knows about eating. Isn't
that worth something?
LEWIS
It put the pizza delivery guy through
college.
DREW
DREW SHOOTS LEWIS A LOOK Lewis, don't you
remember that cake my grandma used to make
when we were kids?
OSWALD
Ah, you wouldn't ever let me have a piece
of that cake, Drew. Hey, come to think of
it...
DREW
Yeah, well, I thought there was more in the
fridge. The point is, she won 1st prize in
the Cleveland Globe baking contest when I
was nine. Got her picture in the paper and
everything. At least I think it was her
picture.
LEWIS
And you think you can duplicate that cake
now? Drew, baking requires skills that I
don't believe you posess.
DREW
What skills? Throw the right stuff in a
bowl, bake a couple o' few hours at four-seventy-five and viola, cake. I can bake
that cake. Because I have the recipe right
over here. HE RETRIEVES RECIPE FROM CABINET
KATE
Awww, Drew. Your grammy left you the recipe
to her prize winning cake?
DREW
I was kinda hoping for a house or a car,
but yes, she did. And genius that I am, I
thought of the one and only way this cake
could be improved upon.
OSWALD
What's that, Drew?
DREW
I can't tell you. But I'm so sure of it I'm
formulating my "kiss my butt" speech to Mr.
Wick in my mind right now. By the way, I'll
handle this one all by myself. Hey, look,
you guys, I'll let you share in my victory,
but I really want to do this by myself.
KATE
You're still holding that garage explosion
against us, aren't you Drew?
OSWALD
Yeah, Drew, let by-gones, be by-gones.
DREW
No, it's not that. I just want to do this
for grandma McArthur. She left this recipe
to me and now I see there's a reason.
OSWALD
Because she left the house and the car to
your brother Steve?
DREW
No, it's so I can win this contest and kiss
Winfred-Louder goodbye once and for all. Do
you realize what I could do with $100,000?
KATE
Blow it inside a week.
OSWALD
Nah, I give him three weeks...tops.
LEWIS
Not to rain on your bubble or anything,
Drew...HE LOOKS AT KATE
KATE
Drew, I think you should let us help you.
You can keep the prize, but without us, you
just might, and I don't mean to hurt your
feelings, you'll screw it up.
OSWALD
Kate, I'm sure Drew is perfectly capable of
doing something as simple as baking a cake
worth $100,000 all by himself. GIGGLES
LEWIS
Yeah, what were we thinking? This is Drew
we're talking about. Not some novice in an
apron. Why, look at all of his other
culinary successes.
KATE
Oh, my God...the mayonnaise pizza.
OSWALD
Ewwww!
DREW
Hey, c'mon you guys, that was a joke.
LEWIS
In oh, so many ways.
DREW
O.K. I was going for a sweeter taste, but,
hey, I was out of Miracle Whip.
OSWALD
Well, what about Easter? You invite all of
us here for a nice breakfast and...
DREW
Hey, that wasn't my fault.
KATE
The omlettes were blue.
DREW
That's what I get for trying to do the
neighbor's kids a favor. I was coloring
eggs for them.
LEWIS
Drew, the bacon was blue.
DREW
Oh, that was...O.K., you can help me. Be
here bright and early Saturday morning.
10:30's good.
KATE
So what's the extra ingredient that's gonna
win you the prize?
DREW
Just the right amount of HE WALKS TO THE
BEER COOLER AND PULLS OUT A BUZZ BEER
...this.
DISSOLVE TO:
ACT ONE
SCENE B
INT.- WINFRED LOUDER OFFICES - MORNING
(DREW, MR. WICK, MIMI, MRS. LOUDER)
DREW IS WALKING INTO THE OFFICE-SMILING-HAND IN POCKET
MIMI
What's that grin for, Drew? Is that your
suit with no pockets?
DREW
I'm not gonna let you get me down today,
Mimi. I'm about to be a rich man.
MIMI
Forget it, pig. Even if you could sell your
body to science, they don't pay by the
pound.
MR. WICK ENTERS
MR. WICK
Mimi, did you say Drew is selling his body
to the pound?
MIMI
No, sir. But he's up to something. He says
he's about to be rich. I think we should
watch him.
MR. WICK
That's your job, Mimi. That would be why I
put your desk there and his desk here. What
are you two at it about this time.
DREW
Not a thing, sir. I came into work five
minutes early today with a smile on my face
without a care in the world.
MR. WICK
Damn it, Carey. You are up to something.
And if your get rich scheme has anything to
do with this fine establishment, you can
just forget it now. Mimi, I want hourly
reports on him.
MIMI
Gee, sir, I was kinda hopin' you were
joking about me having to watch IT.
MR. WICK
Oh, you want a joke Mimi? What's short,
round, multi-colored, miserable and soon-to-be unemployed?
MIMI
Um, I don't know, sir.
MR. WICK
Well, if you want to sustain the suspense
permanently, keep an eye on Carey.
DREW
Look, all I said was I'm about to be rich.
Is that so hard to comprehend?
MR. WICK
I'd put it right up there with calculus and
physics. How do you possibly intend to
become rich?
DREW
I'm bakin' a cake.
MIMI
For who? The Sultan of Stupidity?
DREW
No. For the Ready Bake Bake a Cake Bakeoff.
And theres a $100,000 first prize.
MIMI
And you think you're gonna win? It's a cake
bakeoff, not an eat-off, stupid.
MRS. LOUDER ENTERS
MRS. LOUDER
Oh, Wiiiick.
MR. WICK
Yes, Mrs. Louder.
MRS. LOUDER
Since you don't look too busy I want you to
get the quarterly reports and have them in
my office before the morning meeting. And
what are you two doing? Auditioning as
mannequins?
DREW
No, ma'm. I'm just getting to work on my
new employee applications.
MIMI
Why don't you tell her what you're really
doing, Drew?
DREW
Oh, yeah, I'm going to my desk so Mimi can
watch me.
MRS. LOUDER
Much as I'd love to stay and ponder the
meaning of that, the truth is I'm just too
old to give a damn anymore. And I love it.
MRS. LOUDER EXITS
MR. WICK
Carey, is there really a $100,000 prize?
DREW
Yes, sir. And with my grandma McArthur's
recipe I'm a shoe-in. Why, you don't bake,
do you, sir?
MR. WICK
No. But I could hire someone....Oh, damn.
Just forget this cake nonsense and get to
work. And you keep an eye on him anyway.
MR. WICK ENTERS HIS OFFICE
DREW
It won't be long, Mimi. The contest is a
week from Saturday and when I get my hands
on that prize money, you won't have Drew
Carey to kick around anymore.
MIMI
You're not going anywhere, Godzilla. Much
as I'd like to see it happen, I don't think
you could bake a little girl's cake in an
Easy-Bake oven.
DREW
All I have to do is follow the directions
on my grandma's recipe and add my secret
ingredient and Acapulco, here I come.
MIMI
What makes you so sure this cake is worth a
grand prize?
DREW
Well, when I was little, men used to line
up around the block for a piece of my
grandma's cake.
MIMI
Are you sure it was the cake they were
lining up for, Drew?
DREW
One more remark like that and I'll forget
you're a, a, well, you know what I mean.
That's my grandma, for cryin' out loud.
MIMI
Oh, I'm sorry. I was thinkin' about your
mom.
CUT TO:
EXT.- DREW'S HOUSE - DAY
DISSOLVE TO:
ACT ONE
SCENE C
INT.- DREW'S KITCHEN-DAY
(DREW, KATE, LEWIS, OSWALD, MIMI)
DREW
Let's see here, milk, eggs, vanilla,
ginger, flour, lime juice, sugar, salt,
milk chocolate, dark chocolate, cherries,
bananas, Buzz Beer.
LEWIS
What's this cake called?
DREW
Spark cake. And no, I don't know why.
Except every time I ate it, I did feel all
tingly inside.
OSWALD
Are you sure you have all the ingredients?
I don't see anything that sounds sparky.
DREW
Aw, what's in a name? I just know it's
gonna be great. Now all I have to do is
experiment with the right amount of the
Buzz. A few drops? A shot? A couple shots?
KATE
Woah. Wait a minute, Drew. These eggs are
hard boiled.
DREW
And that's a bad thing?
KATE
Have you ever baked anything? A potato?
DREW
Yes. Microwave. Seven minutes. Done.
KATE
You can't microwave a cake from scratch,
Drew. And you can't use hard-boiled eggs,
either. I'll go pick some up.
OSWALD
Oh, could you get me some Koala Crunchies?
LEWIS
And some chips and dip. Baking requires
snacks, right guys?
DREW
While you're out could you get us some
pizzas, too?
KATE
Drew, Pizza World delivers.
DREW
Think there'll be any left when you get
back?
KATE
What do you want on it?
LEWIS
Everything but the stinky fish.
DREW, LEWIS AND OSWALD LOOK AT EACH OTHER
DREW
Leave your wallet at home again?
LEWIS
On my nightstand.
OSWALD
In my other pants.
DREW
Here's some money, Kate.
KATE
O.K. lemme write this all down. A dozen
eggs, Koala Crunchies, potato chips, dip,
large pizza, no stinky fish. Anything else?
DREW
Nope, it appears we have one. HE POINTS TO
THE KITCHEN SINK.
KATE
Oswald, will you go with me?
OSWALD
Sure, Katie, but how come you want me to
go?
KATE
Well, since we broke up, the guys at Pizza
World have been hitting on me constantly.
OSWALD
And you want them to think we're back
together? SHE IS STONEFACED Oh, alright,
I'll go anyway.
KATE GRABS NOTE AND RECIPE. SHE AND OSWALD EXIT
LEWIS
I was just wondering...why is there lime
juice in the recipe?
DREW
To make the icing. I remember it's this
really sweet green icing.
MIMI KNOCKS AT DREW'S BACK DOOR
DREW ANSWERS
MIMI
Where's the cake, contest-boy?
DREW
We haven't started baking it yet. Hey,
isn't Saturday the day you have your oil
and makeup changed?
MIMI
You'd better be nice to me, Drew. I was
gonna try a piece of your cake. You know.
Critique it for you.
DREW
I already know it's the best cake ever.
What do I need you for?
MIMI
I once judged a pie contest.
DREW
Mimi, you entered a pie eating contest. The
judges are the ones who don't eat the pies.
MIMI
O.K. Drew Carey, but don't go countin' your
chickens. You'll never pull this off.
DREW
So, it is a mask after all.
MIMI EXITS, DREW STUMBLES
LEWIS
Woah, buddy. How many bottles o' Buzz have
we had this morning?
DREW
I tripped on my shoelace. Alright. 5 or 6
but I told you I'm nervous about this cake.
I wanna get it right. For grandma McArthur.
LEWIS
How come her name was McArthur and your
name's Carey.
DREW
Gee, Lewis. I don't know. Didn't your
mother have a mother?
LEWIS
Oh, yeah. Huuuuh?
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. DREW'S KITCHEN - LATER THAT AFTERNOON
KATE AND OSWALD RETURN, KATE SLIPS RECIPE ON COUNTER
DREW
Where's the pizza?
KATE
We never got to order it.
OSWALD
Oh, and I guess that's my fault.
KATE
They wouldn't have asked us to leave if you
hadn't walked in the door and yelled "this
is my woman, all you stinkin' lousy
perverts lay off".
OSWALD
How was I supposed to know the girls little
league was there?
DREW
O.K. I've made a decision. I'm gonna make
the cake by myself.
KATE
But Drew. I thought we agreed you'd screw
it up.
DREW
Yes, but I have to at least try. Listen, if
it turns out horrible we'll try it again
tomorrow.
KATE
If you really insist.
LEWIS
I think he's made up his mind.
OSWALD
O.K. but can I just get my Koala Crunchies?
KATE, OSWALD, AND LEWIS EXIT
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. DREW'S KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
ACT ONE
SCENE D
DREW
One Spark cake comin' right up.
THROUGH A SERIES OF SHOTS WE SEE DREW MIXING INGREDIENTS, SIPPING
BUZZ BEER, BAKING, TASTING, RE-MIXING, SIPPING, STUMBLING,
TASTING, SIPPING. IT HAS BEGUN TO STORM OUTSIDE. AT ONE POINT, HE
IS SO TIPSY HE PUTS THE ACTUAL PAPER RECIPE INTO THE BATTER. WHEN
THIS CAKE IS DONE, IT IS "PERFECT", HE ICES THE CAKE WITH THE
GREEN LIME ICING. HE HEARS A NOISE IN THE BACKYARD. WITH CAKE IN
HAND, HE INVESTIGATES. HE SETS THE CAKE ON HIS BACK STEP AND
RETURNS INSIDE TO GO LICK THE BOWL.
SFX: ENDING OF MCARTHUR PARK BY RICHARD HARRIS FROM MUSICAL
CRESCENDO INTO... "McArthur's Park is melting in the dark, all the sweet
green icing flowing down. Someone left the cake out in the rain. I don't
think that I can take it, cause it took so long to bake it, and I'll
never have that recipe again. Oh, no. Oh, no...
FADE OUT:
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
SCENE E
FADE IN:
INT DREW'S LIVING ROOM - LATER THAT EVENING
(DREW, KATE, OSWALD, LEWIS, MIMI)
DREW IS PASSED OUT ON THE COUCH. KATE, LEWIS AND OSWALD ENTER THROUGH THE
KITCHEN. KATE IS HOLDING THE MELTED REMAINS OF THE CAKE.
OSWALD
Isn't that the cutest thing you ever saw?
Poor guy just got tuckered out from all the
baking.
LEWIS
It wasn't the baking that got to him,
Oswald. The secret ingredient's what done
him in.
DREW AWAKENS
KATE
Oh, Drew. You poor thing. Is this your
cake? It's so, you know, it's...
DREW
Fermented? Look, I admit it. I screwed it
up. So now I start over. Except I can't
seem to remember where I put the recipe.
KATE
REACHING INTO CAKE AND PRODUCING A CHARRED
PIECE OF PAPER Would this be it?
DREW
Oh, my God! My recipe. My grammy's recipe.
KATE
It's alright, Drew. When we left for the
store, I accidentally grabbed your recipe.
I'm pretty sure I remember the whole thing.
OSWALD
She even made me drive.
DREW
Kate, if you do remember the whole recipe,
I love you! Lets get back in there and make
that cake.
MIMI KNOCKS ON DREW'S FRONT DOOR. DREW OPENS IT.
DREW
Oh, boy. Return of the Blob. What do you
want now, Mimi?
MIMI
Stupid as I think this whole cake thing is,
I came by to see if you needed any help.
DREW
You wanna help me. What's in it for you?
You don't get to eat it you know.
MIMI
O.K., but laugh at me and I'll clobber ya.
Mr. Wick just loves cake. I thought if
your's was that good I'd see if you'd share
the recipe so I could make one for him and
get back on his good side.
DREW
That's about as pathetic...MIMI IS MAKING
PUPPY-DOG EYES AT DREW...look, we...
OSWALD
Do you think she could make it any worse
than that. HE POINTS TO CAKE
DREW
...alright, grab an apron, or a tablecloth
or whatever.
KATE
Drew, how did this taste before it looked
like this?
DREW
Well, as far as I can remember, it was
pretty good, I think. Oh, look. Just lick
the bowl and tell me.
LEWIS
The bowl? Where is it?
DREW
In the kitchen.
AS THEY ALL WALK INTO THE KITCHEN, WE CATCH A GLIMPSE OF NIGEL WICK
THROUGH DREW'S BACK WINDOW. KATE PICKS UP THE BOWL AND SEES THE LITTLE
REMAINING BATTER IS CRUSTED TO THE BOWL.
KATE
How about we start from scratch?
MIMI
Just let me see the recipe and we'll get
this show on the road.
DREW
The recipe is now in Kate's head. Kate?
KATE
Well, I'm pretty sure I remember all of it.
DREW
Woah, wait a minute. You said you did
remember all of it.
KATE
O.K., here's the thing. I know we can trust
Oswald and I know we can trust Lewis and
it's your recipe...but, can I talk to you
outside, Drew?
MIMI
Just a second there, missy. If you're
implying that I'm here for any reason other
than that I want to learn how to make
something sweet with the man I adore
KATE
Oh, I'm sure that's why you're here, Mimi.
But the man you adore seems just a little
too anxious to get his hands on Drew's
recipe. KATE FLINGS OPEN THE BACK DOOR, AND
WE HEAR A LOUD CRASH.
CUT TO:
ACT TWO
SCENE F
EXT. DREW'S BACKYARD - CONTINUOUS
WICK SCRAMBLES TO GET AWAY AND TRIPS OVER THE BARBECUE. DREW, LEWIS,
MIMI, OSWALD AND KATE GATHER OUTSIDE THE DOOR AS WICK LOOKS AT THEM WHILE
MUMBLING GIBBERISH.
MR. WICK
I was, um, I just, oh Carey, I uh just
wanted to, um, uh, see how your weekend was
coming along.
MIMI
Oh, stop babbling. Don't make this worse
than it already is, stupid. They don't have
the recipe.
MR. WICK
Oh, well, I'll see you on Monday then.
DREW
Hold it, Mr. Wick. You mean you sent her
over here to spy for you and steal my
recipe? And to think I called her pathetic.
MR. WICK
I was trying to save you from yourself,
Carey. If your cake was good enough and you
did win that money it would ruin you. I on
the other hand have money and know how to
handle it. That's what I get for trying to
do something nice.
DREW
You want to do something nice? Pick up my
barbecue, get out of my yard and take the
garbage with you. HE INDICATES MIMI
MIMI
He made me do this, Drew. We ain't the best
of buds, but I wouldn't have come here if
he hadn't promised me a big promotion if I
got your recipe for him.
DREW
I knew I should've pounded you when I
caught you with my cousin Nikki, Wick. But
now you wanna mess with my money, I really
oughtta kick your butt.
MR. WICK
Hold it right there, Carey. There's more to
this than you understand.
LEWIS
I think we all understand, you're a thief.
OSWALD
Sounds right to me.
KATE
Get him, Drew. This isn't Winfred-Louder,
this is your home and we're all witnesses.
MIMI
No. Wait. He didn't mean it, did you Mr.
Wick?
MR. WICK
Well, not exactly. But I can't tell you
who's really behind all this, or we're all
looking for jobs.
DREW
That's it. Spill your guts Wick.
MR. WICK
Carey, I can't tell you. Much as I'd love
to. I was sworn to secrecy. Can't you
respect the honor in swearing one's self to
secrecy?
DREW
About as much as I respect skulking around
in people's backyards. HE MOVES TOWARD WICK
MR. WICK
Wait. Alright, here's the thing...
DREW HUDDLES WITH WICK AND MIMI AS WICK EXPLAINS HIS "MISSION" DREW LOOKS
QUITE SHOCKED WITH EACH PIECE OF THE PUZZLE THAT IS REVEALED. WICK AND
MIMI EXIT THE BACKYARD. DREW, KATE, OSWALD AND LEWIS THEN HUDDLE AS DREW
LAYS OUT A PLAN OF HIS OWN.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. DREW'S OFFICE - MORNING
(DREW, MIMI, MR. WICK, KATE, OSWALD, MRS. LOUDER)
DREW HAS A BEAUTIFULLY DECORATED CAKE ON HIS DESK. MIMI AND MR. WICK ENTER
MR. WICK
Well, Carey. You are aware that if this
plan of yours backfires, we're all in the
deepest dung of our respective careers.
MIMI
Yeah, Drew. This could get us all canned.
DREW
Hey, it won't backfire. I used to think you
two had guts. Look, Mimi's are spilling out
of her dress.
MIMI
Easy, pig. I can still back out of this,
you know.
MR. WICK
Mimi, I promised you back scratches for a
month. They've got me by the family jewels
and you can't leave me to do this alone.
MIMI
O.K., Nigel. But you'd better come through
when this is all over.
DREW
Don't worry, Mr. Wick. With her back a
month is only one backscratch.
MIMI SHAKES HER FIST AT DREW AND GOES TO HER DESK
MR. WICK
Should we test this one more time? What if
it doesn't work.
DREW
I tested it out before you got here. It
works. And if it doesn't you can always
tell the police what you were doing in my
backyard Saturday night.
MR. WICK
You're really enjoying this, aren't you,
Carey? You do have a mean streak. Wish I'd
known that sooner, we'd have gotten on much
better.
KATE RUNS IN
KATE
She's on her way down. Are you sure this is
gonna work?
DREW
Everybody quit worrying. It'll work better
than Haledman and Erlichman here did the
other night. O.K. Mr. Wick. Make it
convincing.
DREW AND KATE EXIT. MRS. LOUDER ENTERS
MRS. LOUDER
So this is the cake, eh, Wick? It's really
all that he said it was?
MR. WICK
Oh, it's even better than we expected. I've
never tasted anything quite so scrumptous.
MIMI
Oh, it's better than sex, Mrs. Louder...if
I remember right.
MRS. LOUDER DOES A SLOW DOUBLE TAKE
MRS. LOUDER
So where's the recipe? I didn't send a boy
to do a man's job did I?
MR. WICK
Well, not exactly, mommy, er, Mrs. Louder.
But there was an unforseen complication.
MRS. LOUDER
What complication? You mean you didn't get
the recipe after all? If you can't do one
simple thing for me Wick, what good are
you?
MIMI
Um. It's my fault ma'am. He really tried to
get the recipe, but wouldn't you know
it...I got us busted. I guess Drew saw
through me.
MRS. LOUDER
You? How the hell did you manage that? I
sent Wick to trick Carey out of his recipe,
not you. Saw through you? It would take an
x-ray to see through all the crap on your
face and Wick, do you realize what'll
happen if Carey actually wins that prize?
DREW AND KATE ENTER BEHIND MRS. LOUDER. DREW IS WEARING AN EARPHONE
ATTACHED TO A SMALL RECIEVER.
DREW
Not a thing Mrs. Louder. Because I'm not
gonna enter the bake-off after all.
MRS. LOUDER
Just what the Hell are you talking about,
Carey. They said this is the best cake they
ever tasted.
DREW
Yes, but I've got something better than a
hundred thousand dollars. I've got you on
tape...admitting to sending your cronies
here to steal my recipe. That's attempted
grand theft, Mrs. Louder.
MRS. LOUDER
Now, just a damn minute, Drew Carey.
I'll...
OSWALD ENTERS IN UNIFORM
DREW
You might want to hold it right there. I
believe you know my friend and delivery man
Oswald? Show her the package Oswald.
OSWALD
Here you go, ma'am. Lewis is in the parking
lot making copies as we speak.
MRS. LOUDER
Copies of what? Why should this interest
me?
SFX:MRS. LOUDER ON TAPE SAYING "I SENT WICK TO TRICK CAREY OUT OF HIS
RECIPE, NOT YOU"
DREW
Look at the address, Mrs. Louder.
MRS. LOUDER
It's addressed to Winfred-Louder Corporate
Headquarters, Amsterdam, Holland. So?
DREW
Aha. But inside is a copy of the tape you
just made admitting your evil deed. But it
doesn't have to get sent.
MRS. LOUDER
Carey, that's blackmail.
DREW
Blackmail, grand theft, conspiracy, that's
what makes us just one happy family, I
always say.
MRS. LOUDER
Alright, what do you want?
DREW
Two things. I want that promotion to
international head of personnel you've
dangled over my head for years...with
lifetime job security...
MRS. LOUDER
And?
DREW
I wanna know why. Does it bring you that
much pleasure to see me fail?
MRS. LOUDER
You can all leave. This is between me and
Carey now.
KATE
Is it o.k., Drew?
DREW
Yeah, Kate, guys. Go ahead.
MR. WICK AND MIMI GO INTO WICK'S OFFICE. KATE AND OSWALD EXIT
MRS. LOUDER
And where's that damned microphone, this is
strictly off the record.
DREW
Oh, it's right inside here. HE REACHES INTO
THE BACK OF THE CAKE So tell me. Why all
this espionage for my grandma's recipe? You
surely didn't need the money.
MRS. LOUDER
The microphone's off?
DREW
Yeah, see? HE SHOWS THAT IT ISN'T CONNECTED
TO ANYTHING
MRS. LOUDER
If you ever repeat any of this, I'll deny
it with my dying breath, Carey. It's you. I
didn't want to lose you. Oh, I know I give
you a harder time than a drill sergeant
with a migraine, but that's only cause I
know you can take it. If you'd won that
silly-assed contest, you'd've quit Winfred-Louder and gone off and blown that money,
and more importantly I would've lost SHE
LOOKS TO MAKE SURE NO ONE ELSE CAN HEAR my
best employee. Damn it, Carey don't you
know you're what keeps this office
balanced? You're what keeps Wick on his
toes. And you never would've trapped me if
I hadn't been such a great teacher.
DREW
Gee, thanks, Mrs. Louder. That kinda puts a
different light on all of this.
MRS. LOUDER
Don't go soft on me now, Carey. You're on a
roll, now. Don't blow it. LOUDLY-You can
all come out now.
WICK, MIMI, KATE AND OSWALD ENTER
MRS. LOUDER-CONT'D
Well, Carey has me over a barrel. Meet the
new vice president of international
marketing. Now get back to work, all of
you.
MRS. LOUDER EXITS. KATE AND OSWALD GIVE DREW PATS ON THE BACK
MR. WICK
Oh, Carey. Are we alright now?
DREW
Look, Mr. Wick, I always knew you and Mimi
were sneaky and conniving. This was no
different, except for resulting in my new
job. So, hey...don't worry about a thing.
WICK STARTS FOR HIS OFFICE, TURNS AND LOOKS LONGINGLY AT THE CAKE
DREW
Oh, alright.
WICK GOES BACK, GRABS THE CAKE AND HE AND MIMI ENTER HIS OFFICE
FADE OUT:
END OF SHOW
L.E.C.-A
INT. DREW'S LIVING ROOM-DAY
(DREW, KATE, LEWIS, OSWALD)
KATE
Aw, Drew. That's alright. It just wasn't
meant to be.
DREW
So, I didn't win some silly bake-off. I've
got my new job, my friends, my health. Life
is good again.
OSWALD
Well, look what we brought you just to help
celebrate your promotion.
LEWIS
Yeah, I'll bet you haven't had one of these
since you were a kid, either.
THEY EACH PULL OUT A DRAKE'S CAKE
DREW
Noooooooo!
KATE
Drew it's only Drake's cake. We thought
it'd cheer you up.
DREW
And I suppose you also brought me a giant
seed pod, too?
LEWIS
Relax, big fella. Maybe we should just go.
OSWALD
Yeah, let's leave the master to his domain.
KATE, LEWIS AND OSWALD EXIT THROUGH FRONT DOOR
CU-DREW'S FACE
DREW
SHAKING HEAD-ALA SEINFELD,
LAUGHING I don't think so.
FADE OUT:
© 1998,2002 - Gaetano LaMotta
This script was submitted to The Drew Carey Show under representation of
legal council and is, as such, protected under copyright law.
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